Something Wicked This Way Comes
by Lady Hurricane
Summary: A bizarre little story about an out-of-control gang at Hogwarts. Owl romance, ridiculous happenings, and some unnecessary violence ensue.
1. Boggarts For Life

**Author's Note:** I wrote this for a friend, and it is RIDICULOUS. Please don't take it seriously and leave me flames and death threats. Its a JOKE. Maybe not a good one, but it is what it is :)

It was a blustery December day at Hogwarts. The blistering wind blew snow and small first-years everywhere. Students scurried around to their destinations, not lingering outside for fear of catching a bad case of spattergroit. The Giant Squid was cheerily making itself a cozy nest out of trees at the bottom of the Black Lake. To most, this might seem like a normal, lazy Sunday afternoon. Most students at that moment had no idea of the danger that they were in.

A small group of students, however, knew exactly what was happening. Hogwarts was about to change forever, and they were going to do all they could to stop this monstrosity from occurring. These students were currently huddled over a single book in the Room of Requirement. This book was titled _Wizarding Gangsters and Hoodlums Through the Ages_, and the students were Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Pansy Parkinson and Neville Longbottom, Hannah and Stella "Buffy" Fillmore-Patrick (transfer students from America) and Dobby the house elf. They were all trying to better understand what they were standing up against (well Ron still couldn't read, but the rest of them were). This, my friends, was Potter's Army; the few, the brave, the proud (or maybe that's the Marines…).

"When d'you think they'll make their move?" Neville asked fearfully.

"Soon, hopefully!" Harry said with a heroic glint in his eye.

"Let's go back outside and train some more," Ron ordered.

The rest of the group turned on him as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Just who do you think you are, Ronald? Honestly, ordering us all around like we even respect you! We don't even like you!" Hermione fumed, kicking Ron in the shins with unnecessary force. Ron yowled and collapsed on the floor dramatically.

"You might as well be one of the B.F-"

"-DON'T SAY THE NAME, HERMIONE!"

"Fear of the name only increases the fear of the thing itself! And STOP – BOSSING – ME – AROUND!" Hermione screamed, emphasizing every word with an aggressive kick in Ron's stomach.

"She's right, you know," Luna chimed in. "You're getting very uppity for a small and insignificant peasant, and it's getting old."

Hannah prodded Ron violently with her wand. "He's still alive," she announced.

Ron whimpered in an appropriately pathetic manner.

"Let's kill him," Buffy snarled, pulling a ping-pong paddle out of her robes and pointing it at him threateningly.

"Uhm… Buffy? That's not your wand…" her sister said gently.

Buffy coughed embarrassedly, quickly pulling out her real wand and stowing away her ping-pong paddle in the mysterious depths of her black cloak.

"Ping-pong? I mean _really_… you Americans…" Luna said disdainfully.

While this exchange was going on, Ron had gotten up off the ground, and was looking around dodgily, and edging closer to the Great Hall, where dinner would be served shortly. Seeing this, Hermione pointed her wand at him, and immediately, as if being forced by an invisible hand, Ron was dragged back into the group.

"Let's go outside and train some more!" Harry commanded, in a tone that left no room for conversation.

Everyone besides Luna, Hannah, and the ever-cynical Buffy gazed adoringly up at Harry. "Of course, Harry," Pansy breathed. "That's a wonderful idea!"

"Yeah, it's a wonder no one else has thought of it yet…" Neville muttered under his breath bitterly.

I really don't mind wild winter days. In fact, I am partial to them, because my white feathers help me to blend in, and the wind keeps the little humans too preoccupied to notice me. So, here I am today, perched outside on a Cornificus tree – warm despite the cold, and perfectly content to watch my human and its friends unobserved.

I want nothing else, of course, than the company of Pigwidgeon, my owl-friend of two years. He is currently on a journey to his human's house. His human is much, much weirder than mine. Its feathers are the color of red winterberries, but taste nothing like them! It is big for a human, and has strange, sickly-looking dots all over it! I just don't know why Pigwidgeon stays with it…

Anyways, here they come… HA! The Red Winterberry is whining, limping, and holding its middle. Perhaps some violence has been inflicted upon it. The very thought of violence excites me… humans tend to think of us owls as being gentle and wise. While we are indeed very wise (we are superior to all other beings), we enjoy needless violence above all else.

My human is looking pleased with itself. Its attitude can get bothersome at times, but it is really a dear! I personally find its oddly shaped battle-wound on its head to be very attractive….

Ah! And here comes its bushy friend! I want to nest in its hair and have offspring every time I see it! But Pig will have none of that. And now the strange one with sunlight hair and the awkward one… the crow-colored hair human… and the elf… and the humans from across the sea. What are they doing?

They're… sparring?! Ahh, violence. Fortune is smiling down on me today – it looks as though they're all ganging up on the red one!

Oh, I am so glad to see their young friends from across the sea partaking in this wonderful recreational exercise!

Oh, no! My human just went down, too! The younger one from across the sea just shoved it down to the ground and is putting its oddly-shaped feet on its face! Oh! Hahahaha. That's actually quite enjoyable to watch!

Ah! And here comes Pig! He's just so cute! I can't help but be attracted to him although he is 68 owl-years younger than I am, and several hundred times smaller!

"Hi, Hedwig!"

"Hello, dear Pig."

"My trip was successful… my, oh my, your feathers smell wonderful today!" Pig squeaked suggestively, fluttering his little wings charmingly.

"And your beak is looking especially sharp today Pig," I returned seductively, holding up my strong wings so Pig could see my under-feathers (scandalous!).

This probably goes without saying, but this exchange was followed by… never mind. Anyways, I did not end up watching the humans again for the duration of the afternoon.

Harry suddenly fell to the ground, clutching his forehead and wincing frightfully.

"AHH! My scar! It's telling me something! Wait… OH! THE B.F.-"

"DON'T SAY IT HARRY!"

"OH BUGGER OFF, RONALD!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY MUM, HERMIONE!"

Luna boxed Ron's ears viciously, as Hermione could not reach him.

"OW!"

"…THEY'RE MOVING!" Harry continued, as if he had not been interrupted. "They'll be at the entrance of the Great Hall in 10 minutes! They've got Dumbledore and they're waiting for us to make negotiations with them!" Harry bit out meaningfully, subtly watching the expressions of his companions for signs that they were impressed by his dramatic hyperbole.

"Oh, Harry!" Pansy gushed, dropping to her knees on the ground next to his crumpled form, "You're so brave!"

Buffy snickered, craftily elbowing Hannah. "Brave!" She echoed quietly, her tone dripping with sarcasm and ill-concealed malice. "That daft tramp has gone barmy…"

Pansy turned to glare at Buffy, standing up swiftly. "What did you just say?!"

Buffy smirked, and Hannah pushed Buffy in front of her hurriedly, cowering behind her younger sister fearfully.

"Oh, Harry, you're _sooooooooo_ wonderful!" Buffy mocked. "Could you be anymore obvious?"

"You BINT!" Pansy screeched before advancing on Buffy.

"NOT MY SISTER, YOU BITCH!" Hannah screamed, suddenly jumping out in front of Buffy and expertly kicking Pansy in the stomach. Pansy dropped to the ground immediately, holding her midsection. Hannah then seized Pansy's right ear and dragged her up off the ground, before lifting the Slytherin above her head and flinging her 48 feet away. Buffy inclined her head to Hannah in silent thanks while the rest of the group continued to stare at Hannah incredulously.

"So is that what they teach you in America?" Luna asked dreamily.

The six of them stood in the doorway, the last rays of fading sunlight casting them all dramatically in the shadows of twilight. This was the group, Harry was sure. Nigel Creevey, Zacharias Smith, Millicent Bullstrode, Seamus Feider-Sullivan, Lavender Brown, and Vincent Crabbe; the Boggarts For Life (B.F.L.s) in the flesh. All six gazed back at Potter's Army with equal animosity, but no one on either side so much as flinched (with the significant exceptions of Neville and Ron, of course). Wands were raised, and none as faltered the two assemblies sized each other up.

The two groups just stood there for a moment, each basking in their own self-righteousness and perhaps, (in Neville's case) fear. Seamus broke the tense silence by stepping forward pompously.

"Drop your wands, Potty. We're holding Dumbledore captive in his office, and he's agreed to acquiesce to our requests. The school is already ours."

At this announcement, Ron let out a loud guffaw. "Oh yeah? Well we don't even care! Dumbledore was a bossy old prat anyways, so why don't you go stuff it, you speckled imbecile!"

Seamus blushed faintly, "Speckled?! You're one to talk! You long-haired pillock!"

"Lousy, phlegm-eating scumbag!"

"Well at least I don't have a tattoo on my left buttock the reads 'cupcake'!"

The entirety of Potter's Army turned on Ron at once. "You WHAT?!" Hermione screeched. Lavender blushed severely as Ron began to sputter his denial of this "outrageous" accusation.

"I do NOT!"

"Yes you do!"

"Wait – how would you know?" Luna eyed Seamus suspiciously.

"Erm…" both the BFLs and PA turned to stare awkwardly at Seamus. "Well, you see, um, Ron here…"

Hannah chose this moment to quickly pull Ron's trousers down, revealing a large, motorcycle-gangey, heart-shaped tattoo on Ron's behind that bore the legend Cupcake in large, elaborate black letters.

Dobby burst out giggling uncontrollably at the sight of Ron's tattoo. Ron yelped and hurriedly pulled his pants up. Lavender burst into tears and ran off in the general direction of the Slytherin dungeons, with Buffy trailing after her (she was not one to miss an opportunity where she could point and laugh at the sight of Lavender's tears).

An extremely awkward silence ensued.

"Well…. Erm… I see no need to continue this charade. We'll release Dumbledore immediately," Nigel said cordially.

"Yes," Zacharias agreed, "Good day to you all."

Millicent followed him out quietly, as the remaining students continued to shuffle their feet and look up at the dark sky uncomfortably.

"Can we just… can we just pretend that never happened?" Ron finally asked in a small voice.

Hermione turned to glare at him fiercely.

Ron pointed at Seamus accusingly, "This never would have happened if that lousy Mexican sewer rat had kept his sodding mouth shut!"

Seamus glowered back at Ron, "It's not my fault you let Lavender talk you into letting my grandmother give you that tattoo, Weasley! If you had just kept your bloody pants on, none of this ever would have happened! Good kids don't get tacky love-tattoos on their arses!"

"Good kids don't join ghetto gangs called the BFL! Harry Potter hates those smarmy, dirty children, and Dobby does, too!" The house elf scolded, flipping Seamus his middle finger smartly.

"So how'd an abysmal and uncoordinated nerd like you get to be the respected leader of a well-organized and malicious gang, anyways?" Hermione asked rudely.

Instead of looking affronted, Nigel looked pleased. "Well, that's a long story…"

Indeed, it was. And _that_ is a story for another day.

Happy birthday to Hannah, my best friend of many, many years.


	2. Prequel

**A/N: **So the footnotes didn't transfer well from Word and are a little weird looking haha. Sorry :)

Nigel Creevy sighed deeply, letting go of the Muggle joystick after losing yet another ship to a rogue alien in World of Warcraft. It was early July, and Hogwarts was on summer recess, and Nigel had been doing nothing besides terrorizing his siblings and spending hours in front of his computer screen. Instead of getting a nice summer tan, the glare of the screen that he sat in front of had gradually given his skin a pale, unhealthy tint. He was also getting quite fat, as his older brother, Colin, liked to point out frequently.

Nigel had just logged on to his first love, facebook, when suddenly, his door opened slowly, and his mother's cat, Mr. Sprinkles, peeked his furry head suspiciously through the door in a very Mrs. Norris-like manner. Mr. Sprinkles walked steadily towards Nigel, an evil glint in his eye, his fluffy tail swishing in the air. Nigel, being the dolt he was, didn't notice that the cat looked like he wanted to eat him and reached his hand out to pet Mr. Sprinkles's ginger fur. All of a sudden, one of Mr. Sprinkles' paws slashed through the air, claws glinting in the waning sunlight, leaving a bloody trail down the back of Nigel's pale hand.

"AHHHHHH, GET OFF OF ME, YOU BLASTED ANIMAL!" Nigel yowled, jumping out of his chair and cradling his stinging hand close to his chest.

Mr. Sprinkles, looking very pleased with himself, stared up at Nigel with evil, glowing eyes.

Nigel, filled with wrath, suddenly lunged for Mr. Sprinkles, violently grabbing his tail and massaging it aggressively1 with his teeth.

Mr. Sprinkles shrieked in pain and was just preparing to retaliate when Nigel's younger sister, Gwendolyn, entered the room. Upon seeing her favorite cat being abused by her least-favorite brother, Gwendolyn felt a fresh stream of uncontrollable rage, and against the warnings of her anger-management counselor, she let go of the little control she had over her ire. She yowled loudly and proceeded to kick Nigel mercilessly in the same part of his back repeatedly as Mr. Sprinkles clawed his torso until the rumpus brought their mother, Mrs. Ursula Creevy, into the room brandishing a frying pan, the very image of a loving mother. This brought an end to the chaos.

Colin Creevy snickered maliciously as he retreated into his dark and creepy2 bedroom. The only source of light in the room came from his laptop, which was currently on a screensaver and was emanating a dull, pulsing light. Dirty laundry littered the carpet, and the walls were plastered with images of his idol, Harry Potter3. Among these posters were a few scattered images of Ron Weasley, Harry's best friend, whom Colin strived to be. Colin sat down at his desk and quickly uploaded the most recent photos from his camera onto his laptop, and enhanced them for full effect. Next he uploaded a video - _the _video that would be his sweet revenge.

_Brilliant_, he thought smugly.

He had managed to get the brief scuffle between Mr. Sprinkles, Nigel, Gwendolyn, and eventually Mrs. Creevy on video. Colin marveled at the fact that staking out his brother's room for the past week hadn't been in vain. Nigel would pay dearly for stealing his most cherished poster of Harry Potter.

_A week later…_

Nigel logged on to 4 with the intention of spending a few hours gazing lovingly at Romilda Vane's facewizardbook when he noticed that he had 833 new notifications and 183 new messages.

_What?_

No one _ever_ interacted with him on facewizardbook, not to mention real life! Was this a glitch in the system…?

Nigel opened up his inbox and saw for himself that this was no accident. The messages were from fellow students at Hogwarts, and from people around the world that he had never met. Why did they all suddenly want to meet him? As he scanned the subjects, his heart dropped.

_Colin._

Colin Creevy logged out of 5 with a smug smile. The video he had posted just a week ago had already accrued 74,094,273 views! Comments, video responses, and ratings were pouring in from all around the world. This plan was working much better than Colin had ever anticipated.

But he wondered if Nigel knew…?

He hadn't seen Nigel in a couple of days. The little brat was probably too busy playing video games to notice…

_Two months later…_

Nigel Creevy arrived at Platform 9 ¾ at 11.58AM and boarded the Hogwarts Express seconds before it departed. Nigel wondered briefly if he was doing the right thing, and if anyone would recognize him, but he dismissed the thought as soon as it came. Revenge, of course, was always the right course of action to take. He pulled his glasses away from his face, stowing them in his new black leather jacket before running a hand through his dark locks, earning a few covetous looks from females in his general vicinity. Smirking to himself, he strode confidently to the back of the train where he finally found a seat in a compartment with Millicent Bulstrode and Zacharias Smith, both of whom looked suspiciously disheveled and breathless when Nigel entered. Millicent and Zacharias edged guiltily away from each other as Nigel sat down opposite them.

"Do I know you?" Zacharias asked, his sheepish demeanor fading and his typical rude manner returning.

"Do you know me…" Nigel laughed softly under his breath, gazing arrogantly at his classmates. Before he said anything else, however, Nigel reflected on the past rabblerousing tenancies of his companions. No, they were not your everyday, rule-abiding Hogwarts students. They would do just fine.

I gazed over at my owl-partner, Wendell, annoyed. In 18 years of owl-partnership, I still couldn't even get him to stop snoring. I'm Aleta, by the way, Aleta Carmen Cortez6. Millicent is my human. I would describe myself as a fun loving, wise Mexican owl I would describe Wendell as being equally old but not so wise or Mexican as I. Wendell also has a tendency to be kind of annoying – a trait that I think he has picked up from his human, Zacharias. Sometimes I just want to set my energetic little offspring off onto the both of them! They both have had such easy little lives! Neither of them have had to fly over any borders or deal with American/European owls treating them like trash! _Dios mio_!

"Wendell, you _puta_! _Despierte_!"

God I hate that useless bunch of old feathers sometimes. And to think we've had 489 children together! Sometimes I feel like flying back over that border. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all…

Hang on… what is this tomfoolery?! MILLICENT! GET OFF OF HIM YOU SCARLET WOMAN! _Compórtese!_ Honestly, I wish my human could understand me sometimes… how those two have the audacity to go at it like that when Wendell and I are present I'll never know! Wendell and I would NEVER show off our under-feathers like that with them present!

Oh! Lovely, another human has broken the under-feather fest up! Thank Arwyn! Who is this little human?

He is such a runt! If he were the fruit of MY egg, I'd peck him to death as soon as he had hatched! What a disgrace…

He has such confidence for a deformed human! And that hair… well that hair would actually make great nesting material… mmm yes.

ANYWAYS. What is he talking about?

I decided to squawk a little louder to get Wendell to wake up. I punctuated this squawk with a healthy rattling of my traveling cage, which bumped into Wendell's cage. I smirked and clicked my beak7 at him.

"Wake up, you fluffy old bat! Methinks this shrunken human is up to no good!"

"Don't you manhandle me, you wrinkly barn owl8! What have you got your under-feathers up in a bunch about this time?"

BARN OWL?!?!?! Someday I will succeed in pecking his beady little eyes out… _idioto._

But back to the matter at hand.

I think this little human is bringing evil upon us. I don't like that look in his eye. Nothing good will come of this.

Through Wendell's continued snoring, I could hear the beginnings of a plan that I was certain would change Hogwarts forever….

1 This is CLEARLY a euphemism for "biting". But since this fanfiction is rated G, I decided not to include that bad word.

2 hahaha yes that is a reference to his last name… get it?

3 An arrogant, famous wizard with an ugly scar shaped like a natural disaster.

4 was created by wizards, for wizards. It is the brainchild of Mr. Weasley, who was so fascinated by facebook that he had Fred & George launch this site. It's the Wizarding version of facebook, except its way better. If muggles try to access this site, their browser crashes and they are struck with the sudden urge to snog a snupperfish (that was Ron's idea). Since snupperfish went extinct several million years ago, this is a fruitless quest that almost always ends up in heartache, death, and failure, in that exact order.

5 Muggles would liken this site to youtube, but was actually created first. Voldemort, after seeing the success of thetubeofmerlin, created youtube for the helpless muggles. This was a wise business move for Voldemort, who uses the revenue from youtube to power his quest for wizard domination, pay his death eaters, and buy salsa con queso (which is his favorite food, for those of you who aren't up on your Voldemort trivia).

6 No, this is NOT a SpyKids reference…..

7 The human equivalent of beak-clicking is approximately knuckle-cracking + trash-talking + shanking – death.

8 This is a HUGE insult to owls.


End file.
